Two Ghouls and a Crow

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March 22, 2018 by Patrick StarksGHOUL TO CROW

Ghoul #1: Ugh… I’m so sick and tired of this graveyard, why don’t we choose another.

Ghoul #2: Oh, if only we could my brother.

Ghoul #1: You know why we starve right; all these filthy humans and their healthy eating; all of their teasing.

Ghoul #2: Well… What for you my brother would be pleasing?

Ghoul #1: Well if you ask my brother, I just want people to stuff their faces again with McDonald’s and Taco Bell,; to again be fat and greedy; all in such ways that would not please me, but feed me.

Ghoul #2: I am no genie, brother, this I cannot do, for that, all remains now are dusted, crusted, and busted up shoes.

Crow: Oh caw, caw, caw, just go on already! Find somewhere else to plunder, you two have done enough talking, you have ruined my slumber.

Ghoul #1: Oh… is that a crow that speaks, is it a bird for my hunger that lurks beyond my teeth.

Ghoul #2: Ooo, we should fry this one!

Ghoul #1: But the bird can already fly brother.

Ghoul #2: No, no, no, no. Ugh… Never mind. All I know is that he will taste much better than that dirty pig we ate, that swine.

Crow: Shut up already! You two can be such pre-Maddona’s, more so, like two kids, or walking piranhas.

Ghoul #1: You should watch it bird, or sooner or later we will have words, and I’ll clamp down on our neck so tightly, you wouldn’t dare speak, or blurb.

Ghoul #2: Yeah! Watch it bird, crow, whatever you are, the night will not save you, no matter if you wished upon a star.

Crow: Oooo, that sounds bizarre

Ghoul 1 & 2: Sigh.

Crow: Wow, you two are such fools.

Ghoul 1 & 2: Thank you!

Crow: No! I mean you two are fools, you ghouls!

Ghoul #1: Get over here!

Crow: Oh, to slow my dear.

Ghoul #2: Ahhhhhh!!!!

Crow: Was that some sort of power-up or cheer.

Ghoul #1 & #2: Bastard!

Crow: You know my brother Russel and you two could all learn from one another.

Ghoul #2: My god! You mean to tell me that your brother is T.H.E. Russel Crowe. That buff guy from that movie “The Terminator.”

Ghoul #1: No, no, no, no, no. My brother, you must mean that movie, “The Negotiator.”

Crow: You idiots, it wasn’t any of those films! Christ! The movie was called Gladiator, and he’s not… Oh screw it, I’m out of here, I’m headed back to my wife.

Ghoul 2: Hmm… My brother. It is a shame that he doesn’t know that we had her for dinner last night.

Ghoul 1: Oh come on, my brother, lets for once in our lives not be ghouls, let’s be polite.

The Prince and the Fly

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March 7, 2018 by Patrick Starks

PRINCE AND THE FLY

Fly: Oh my god, my life is over, some one call the doctor, red rover, red rover!

Prince: My oh my, why must you cry? Red rover, red rover, just let this day be over.

Fly: You know, I used to be in a better body, but look at me now; did I deserve this? have I been that naughty? No one even bows.

Prince: Bow… I’m sorry but this I cannot allow, I am a prince after all, and to you this I have never vowed.

Fly: Say all you want Prince, but I know the truth; how you became what you are, how you maintained your youth.

Prince: Sigh.

Fly: So, your just going to ignore me now, is that it? If I was woman, surely you would not ignore me, not once, not one little bit.

Prince: Sigh.

Fly: Ugh… you can be such a boar! If I was in my current form, you do know that this would mean war.

Prince: Fly who do you think you are threatening me, you do not scare thee, but maybe just a little my dear, if you were a bumblebee.

Fly: Yeah, and if I was such, I’d sting you in your eye, so that you never see again, this I wish to imply.

Assistant: My Prince, if I may ask… But why do you quarrel with this atrocity? It’s plain to see, that in her tiny little body there’s lack of generosity.

Prince: Ha, my friend, could you have said that more comically.

Fly: I can; you are tweedle dumb, and he is tweedle dee. Heavens! I think you two just might need a lobotomy.

Assistant: I beg your pardon! But I have you know, I graduated from one the most prominent school in the city—La De Vardon.

Prince: Relax my friend. Lets hear her out, she must have had a current form, this I have no reason to doubt.

Assistant: Yes, doubt. That is what you should have my prince, madam is bad news; and for that I recommend another for you to choose.

Prince: My god man, have some class, don’t be so evil; a lady is still in our presents, don’t be such a silly goose.

Fly: Sigh.

Prince: So… go on, tell us what happened? And don’t you cry, I don’t have a napkin.

Fly: It was another woman, but obviously something else. One with powers, one that was skilled in stealth.

Prince: So your telling me that this woman was some sort of secret agent?

Assistant: No sir, I believe the madam is talking about something more ancient.

Fly: The woman told me I could be myself again if I had a kiss from a prince, and that everything in my life would soon make since.

Prince: I’m sorry but I am not kissing a fly, besides I might swallow you, I could die.

Fly: You could die? You mean I could die!

Assistant: It doesn’t matter! For neither of you this would be wise. Sir, if I may again… But this all sounds mighty familiar.

Prince: Yes, indeed, it does sound rather peculiar.

Fly: Screw this I’m going in. On my count; one, two, ten!

Prince: Wait!

Assistant: Sigh. Here we go again…

Fly: Am I woman again, do I look as beautiful as ever.

Assistant: I’m sorry madam, but you might want to start writing out a few letters.

Prince: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Fly: Oh, wow… your… well, this is a good look for you ya know.

Prince: Alfred bring my mirror, and don’t you dare tell me no!

Assistant: But Sir… If I…

Prince: Just bring me the silly mirror!

Fly: Sigh

Assistant: Sigh

Prince: No… No! A frog again…

Fly: Well, you don’t look all that bad, on a scale from one to ten.

Prince: I should definitely swallow you now. On my count, one, two, ten!

Fly: Hey watch it Frog! I am not your tasty treat.

Assistant: Sir… please sit down; here you are, a lily pad for a seat.

Fly: I’m sorry, but what do you mean that you were a frog again.

Assistant: Just that madam, he was a frog before. It appears that you have met the same fate as he; but thank god, thank the heavens, it isn’t me.

Fly: So, how are we going to get back to what we were? How did you solve it the first time.

Prince: We… No, no, no. We are doing nothing. Just go find yourself a piece of fruit, or something.

Woman: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Assistant: What was that?

Prince: I know what, and it was no bat, nor cat.

Fly: I-is it a rat?

Prince: No, Maid Marian.

Maid Marian: Oh, is that all you have to say, is that all you can do; why the long face my love, why so blue?

Fly: You… Why? Why did you do this to me? You promised me if I kissed a prince, that my life would be free.

Maid Marian: Is it not, your free as a bird, you have your prince now…

Assistant: Oh, don’t be absurd!

Maid Marian: Shut it scholar, or I’ll turn you into a turd!

Assistant: No, no, no. No need, mouth shut, understood, heard.

Prince: Marian if I may please have a word.

Maid Marian: Speak prince, but make it quick, for that my patience with has run pretty thick.

Prince: Out of all that I have done, why torture me still? Have you not had enough? I’m sorry for what happened, okay, I know with out him life must be rough.

Fly: What are you talking about prince? What did you do?

Maid Marian: Many things my dear, many reasons I had to pursue.

Assistant: My god! Its been years, Robin is with us no more. So just drop it already, we all promised this, we swore!

Maid Marian: I swore nothing, my love is gone, as will be the same for you all.

Fly: I’m sorry; not to stall, but what does this have to do with me? Why must I fall?

Maid Marian: Because… You are the one princess the prince has always loved, the only one he ever wished to see in the stars above.

Prince: I-It cant be… Princess Daphne…

TO BE CONTINUED

Pringles

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February 23, 2018 by Patrick Starks 

PRINGLES.jpg

Man: Hi, How are you? My name is Ade and I love Pringles; in a bundle, or even single.

Woman: Exactly, single. Get a life or something, go out and mingle.

Man: What if I shared a Pringle, or two? Would my point then get across to you?

Woman: Never! Not if you love pringles, not if you shared a Pringle, or two. Pringle shmingle, heavens! Just go out and mingle you fool.

Man: Would you eat them with a ham and cheese? I think they make them at Applebee’s.

Woman: Never, not ever. Not if you love pringles, not if you shared a Pringle or two, not even if I had a ham in cheese, that was made from Applebee’s. But please, just put down the pringles, your single, just go out and mingle tool!

Man: Would eat them on a pizza, my Mona Lisa? You must love Pringles… do have amnesia?

Woman: Never, not ever, you think your clever, but I am no fool, nor tool, I know better.

Man: So does that mean you will join me on this crunchy adventure?

Woman: Never, not ever, no matter how clever. Not with a pizza, I’m not your Mona Lisa, and I surely do not have amnesia.

Man: Then would eat them with a beer my dear? And I know it’s weird, but do you think I should grow out my beard?

Woman: No, no, no, not ever! Not if you love Pringles, not if you shared a Pringle or two, not even if I had a ham and cheese, that was made from Applebee’s; not if I had a Pizza, I’m not your Mona Lisa, and I surely do not have amnesia; not with beer, I am not your dear, but it wouldn’t be bad if you grew out your beard. Ugh… Just put down the Pringles, your single you fool! Did your mother drop on your head a tool?

Man: So if I grow out my beard, you will have a Pringle?

Woman: My god, your such a creep, you make my skin tingle.

Man: Okay last one.

Woman: No, no, no, we are done.

Man: Would you eat them at Disneyland, where you could meet Mickey? And whats that on your neck? Is that a hicky?

Woman: I beg your pardon, but that’s none of your business, and besides, I’m single.

Man: Then why talk to me? You don’t need a Pringle, your single, Mickey hickey! Just go out and mingle, you… you ghoul.

Woman: That’s it! Give me those Pringles! Mhmmm! Are you happy now! Were on a crunchy adventure!

Man: I knew you loved Pringles, look at you, your eyes even twinkle. Should we go to the park and finish them, and watch the dogs bark, as we eat M&M’s?

Woman: Wait… Are you asking me on a date?

Old Woman: Clearly child, is there any reason to debate?

Man: The ol… I mean, the young lady is right.

Old Woman: Mhmm…

Man: How could I not ask, your such a beautiful sight.

Woman: B-but I ate all the Pringles?

Man: Pringle shmingle, my Mona Lisa, you and I; are single. But before we go, really, whats that on your neck?

Woman: It was years ago, from a car wreck.

Man and old Woman: My god, what happened?

Woman: Got hit by a Pringle truck, and the seat belt around my neck was fastened.

Teachers Pet

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February 21, 2018 by Patrick Starks 

TEACHERS PET

Teacher: Alright children gather around, or I’ll make you all write fifty pages of your vowels.

Child #1: But Mrs. Skywalker, I just washed my hands, I looked everywhere, but there aren’t any towels.

Teacher: Then wipe them on your pants, Lance. Today I want to introduce you all to Pepi, a weasel who can dance.

Child #2: But he’s just a weasel.

Child #3: My mom said that they can give you the measles.

Teacher: Yeah, and I wish I had a beagle. What else is new.

Child #1: He looks weird. Why is his nose so pink?

Child #2: He looks smelly… he stinks.

Child #3: Why does he stare at me like that, he doesn’t even blink.

Teacher: Yeah, and sometimes Asha you do not think.

Child #2 Can it do a cartwheel, like this?

Child #1: Can it do like a snake and hiss?

Child #3: Can it do like me and P***

Teacher: Zip your pants back up Asha!

Child #1: Oh look! He’s doing it now!

Child #2: But how?

Teacher: Well, its all because I taught him myself children.

Child #1, #2, #3: You can dance Mrs. Skywalker?

Teacher: Of course I can, they don’t call me sky walker for no reason.

Child #3: Could you show us, please and…

Teacher: And what?

Child #3: With sugar on top…

Child 2: Hey don’t give away all our P**?

Teacher: Excuse me. Did I just hear you say…

Child #2: Pop! Soda Pop!

Teacher: Hmmm…

Child #3: Nice going Mandy.

Teacher: Open your hands child… Oh, thank god it’s candy, and you over there, stop eating that glue.

Child #1: Why should I, don’t feel bl..

Teacher: See what I mean.

Child #2: Eww… he’s turning green.

Nurse: I’ll take this one off your hands Mrs. Skywalker, seems the performance was not to keen.

Teacher: Kind of, but not really.

Nurse: Oh, don’t be silly. Look, Pepi’s done it as always.

Teacher: Oh my goodness… just like yesterday. All of them, sound a sleep.

Nurse: Let me get this one out of hear, we’ll be light on our feet.

Teacher: Pepi, my pepi what would I do with out you. Your mommy’s little teachers pet, my dream come true.

The Silly Family

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February 9, 2018 by Patrick Starks SILLY FAMILY

Man: My name is Ron, I do not have a son, nor do I have one to play with in the sun.

Boy: But Ron, Mr. Walls may I call you. Why do you want those things, you have me, I am not your son, but can be.

Man: Silly child, you cannot be my son, if you cannot bring me a wife; one to bring me kisses, and tuck you in at night.

Boy: You mean like a mother, one that would become the referee of me and my brother.

Man: No brother, not yet, you assume too much; besides, there’s not a woman in this place that I would touch.

Woman: Silly man, Silly child, none of you have even noticed me standing here in this aisle. Why should I bring you kisses, why should I tuck you in at night, when all you two do is bicker and fight.

Man: Bicker and fight?

Child: Fight and bicker?

Man and Child: Fibicker?

Woman: Must I repeat myself, can your heads get any bigger.

Man: Now this is a woman that I can love, in harmony, like two turtle doves.

Woman: Don’t even bother you’re not my type, your rotten to the core, no longer ripe.

Cashier: Silly man, Silly child, Silly woman, can’t we all just get along, can’t we be human.

Man and Woman: But the boy is a dog.

Cashier: Does it matter, he’s no cat; so, he won’t scratch or claw.

Man: Just ring me up you silly cashier, before I make that smirk on your face disappear.

Woman: Um… Is anyone besides me in shock that the dog can talk.

Cashier: Not really. But on your way out you should probably give it a walk.

Child/Dog: I do not take walks, and am certainly not an it, but if you don’t mind, could you ring me up for some kibbles and bits.

Man: Silly child, or dog, whatever you may be, how can you pay for your kibbles and bits; you don’t work, all you do is play, fetch, or sit.

Woman: Silly dog. I’ll buy your kibbles and bits. After all, I have no reason to kibble and fit.”

Man: Kibble and fit?

Cashier: Fit and kibble?

Man and Cashier: Kibit

Dog: Must you two be animals, and stare at my mother’s tits.

Woman: Thank you son. let us be going, it seems these to need much growing.

Man: But wait let me pay for your food, I feel awful I was rude.

Woman: Okay, but don’t think that you’re getting off that easy, I am woman of class, it will take much to please me.

Man: Understood. Shall we all get going.

Woman: Yes, lets. The weather man said later it be snowing.

Dog: Are we going home? I’ve never had a home.

Man and Woman: You do now son, you will never again be alone.

Dog: Are we a family now? Mr. Walls, Dad, why did you want this so much.

Man: Because like you I was lonely but will never again see such.

Woman: Ugh… Silly Family.